so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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