When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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