dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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