Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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