here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
