also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
