I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
