You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
