No, drunk sperm still make babies.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
