The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
