I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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