Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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