If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
