I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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