Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize