my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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