just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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