She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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