Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
