she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
