I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
