I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
