I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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