I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
