you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
