I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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