you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
