When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
