You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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