You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
