She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
