btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
