i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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