Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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