please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
