Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
