He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
