I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
