I cut my penus on the lid.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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