How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
