R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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