I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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