I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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