I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
