May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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