Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
