Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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