I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Alive.
So much puke
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
