I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
