I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
