I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
