I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
