So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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