It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
