I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
