I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
