I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
