oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
