I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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