$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Damn victory sex feels great
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