Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
